I wonder. Will our newly acquired rescue dog be taking himself off to therapy years down the track because we changed his name?

I can see him now; sprawled out on a polar fleece couch, one paw dabbing at his eyes as he sniffs between sentences about his “culturally confused canine identity.”

“I used to be this rough and tumble kind of guy called Connor” he’d say wiping snot from his snout. “Sure I had taste up my bum but I was known far and wide for my rootsy sense of Irish humour. Now that I’m Benoit I’ve written essays on the hazards of Shiraz Viognier blends only to get told by close friends I take myself too seriously!”

“It’s not your fault,” I hear the therapist murmur supportively. “It’s those awful parents.”

Obviously I’m not alone in my concerns.

A quick scout on the internet will exhume any number of forums spruiking misspelt advice as to whether a new dog owner should keep or shelve the original nametag attached to your dog’s weathered little collar.

Personally, I’m very particular about names and knew way, way before we brought our dog home that he’d be receiving a name change free of charge.

If there was a problem down the track I reasoned, I’d pay for his therapy.

While there are a number of reasons for changing his name, the first being that I thought we might bond better if he was given a “fresh” one, the real (and far more selfish reason) was that………

I LOVE NAMING THINGS!

Cases in point:

• our car is called “Captain Bessie Beaky”
• my bike is called “Horse”
• our plants are called “Antonio”, “Mario”, “Geraldine” and “Taggert”

And hey, I even changed my own name to django for six years! After toying with the names Zebedee and Banana of course.

So why did Connor become Benoit (pron. Ben-wah)?

Well, as Dave and I drove home from our first meeting with the new love of our life, I mentioned I liked the name Desmond. It had a shaggy kind of cool and suited this new pup who had the look of an extra from the old seventies TV show “Minder”.

But Dave suggested we might want to consider giving him a French name to help him bond more quickly with our cats Jacque and Louis.

Given that one of our primary concerns was how the dog and cats would get on with each other, this immediately appealed to me.

Problem was however, that while cat names can be whispered in the privacy of your own home, dog names will periodically need to be yelled out across wide public spaces. Dave quickly voiced his concern, saying that he was going to feel like a wanker screaming out “Jean-Pierre” at 7 o’clock in the morning to a scruffy looking dog with mud on its paws.

In the end I checked out a French baby name website and wrote down a list of likely names for Dave’s perusal and eventual approval.

Name number 1: Remi
Dave’s reply: Sounded like the name of an attenuated razor.

Name number 2: Claude
Dave’s reply: Too old fashioned and stuffy. He’d have to wear spats, a hunting hat and clutch a pipe between his teeth.

Name number 3: Etienne
Dave’s reply: Same response as for Jean-Pierre.

Name number 4: Benoit
Dave’s reply: Yes!! We can call him Benny or Ben and we won’t have to sound like dickheads in public.

Fair point.

Benoit also had the added advantage of sounding (a little bit) like Conn-ah!

To help your little fella adjust to his new name it’s good to either find a name that sounds like his old one or, if they’re different, begin by joining his old name with his new name when calling or speaking to him ie: Connor-Benoit! As time goes on of course you can begin leaving out the old name out and you’ll find that in about a weeks’ time, the old name can be written out of history completely.

Of course, there was one other thing we should have thought about; song associations.

For three days in a row now, both Dave and I have had Elton John’s “Benny and the Jets” spinning on high rotations in our brains. And if it doesn’t bugger off soon, I can tell you, it won’t be Benny seeking out the polar fleece couch, it’ll be me!